“When you are balanced and when you listen and attend to the needs of your body, mind, and spirit, your natural beauty comes out. ”
― Christy Turlington
“The price I paid to exist was a mother who couldn't love me. My karma was a daughter made from stars.”
― Jessica Jocelyn
I never thought I’d become a mother later in life, or that the role would consume me with a love so profound, so irrevocable. Growing up, my mother was everything to me—a beacon of love, even amidst the complexities I didn’t fully grasp as a child. As I grew older, I began to see the shadows that had shaped our relationship, the hidden struggles we never spoke of. By the time I reached my twenties, I could hardly imagine myself as a mother, questioning whether I could ever nurture life with the tenderness I had longed for myself.
Then, at 32, married and clinging to a fragile sense of stability, I was blessed with my son. His arrival transformed me—he became my world, eclipsing all the worries and ambitions I once held dear. The dreams of my youth, the endless possibilities I had once entertained, faded as I devoted myself to meeting his profound needs. Navigating the world alongside a child with unique challenges required more than I had ever imagined. And with little support, I gave everything I had to ensure he had everything he needed.
But that sacrifice wasn’t without cost. Slowly, I felt my own identity slip away, consumed by the relentless demands of motherhood. It weighed on my mind, my heart, my marriage. The life I once knew unraveled as I poured every ounce of myself into him. The toll it took was immeasurable.
When my marriage crumbled in my mid-thirties, the future I once envisioned—the family I dreamed of—felt like a distant echo. Motherhood, once my entire existence, seemed like something I might never experience again. I had lost so much, and the possibility of bringing another child into the world seemed to drift further and further away.
But at 35, when I met the love of my life, a spark reignited inside me—a small flicker of hope I thought had long since been extinguished. For a moment, it felt as if the universe was giving me a second chance, offering a glimpse of a life I had almost given up on.
Then, a year later, the final blow came. Infertility. Perimenopause. The diagnosis was a cruel confirmation of everything I feared. I grieved not just for the child I might never have, but for the dreams I had slowly let die over the years. The ache was overwhelming, the kind that presses down on your soul. But in the heart of that grief, when it seemed like I had nothing left, I found something I never expected. I found God. In my deepest heartbreak, I discovered grace. A quiet faith began to grow in the spaces where hope had been shattered, carrying me through the pain with a strength I didn’t know I had.
And God delivered. At 38, He guided the most beautiful of stars to join me. As I sit here, cradling my baby girl in my arms, I am overwhelmed by the miracle of it all. A child I never thought was possible, conceived naturally when I had stopped believing in miracles. Her tiny heartbeat is the music of a life I never thought I’d get to hear. Her delicate fingers, wrapped so tightly around mine, remind me that life—no matter how uncertain—still holds unimaginable beauty. She is my impossible, my prayer answered in ways I couldn’t have foreseen.
She is my love story, written not in the way I had planned, but in a way that proves that the most extraordinary things often come when you least expect them.
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“When the rose and the cross are united the alchemical marriage is complete and the drama ends. Then we wake from history and enter eternity.”
― Robert Anton Wilson
“How long will I love you? As long as stars are above you,
And longer if I can.”
― Ellie Goulding
It's really no secret that I am a recovering spendthrift. Nor is it a secret that I prefer high-end, high-quality items over the latest fads or brand-new anything. The combination of these two traits is actually how I became a serious secondhand shopper.
Money matters. Having a home and a young son to raise on my own means that every penny counts. There is still a rare every now and then (like once or twice a year) that I might make a big splurge on a new, expensive item I might want, but the truth is, that hasn't been the case for me in many years. And still, my closet is full of high-end, high quality items that I bought for fractions of their retail cost. How? I do the majority of my shopping by thrifting and buying on consignment apps.
For anyone else remotely interested or looking to get started looking their second hand best, here are a couple of my thoughts to share with with you. | WHY?1. Save MoneyThe most obvious reason why I love shopping secondhand is because I love to get high quality items that have a lifetime of use ahead of them, and to do so for very little money (like the price of a brand-new, mediocre item).2. Reduce WasteDespite being affordable, fast fashion comes at a high price to our world and environment. So rather than spending $30 on a fast-fashion blazer I'd throw out in a season, I would rather pay $30 for a timeless blazer from Burberry or Brooks Brothers in great used condition.3. SIMPLIFYAnother reason to do it is to stop collecting junk. I am a collector-type at heart and I am retraining myself by limiting what I purchase. It makes the items I do choose to purchase very purposeful. |  |
“FRUGALITY INCLUDES ALL THE OTHER VIRTUES.”
― Cicero
 | WHERE?1. PoshmarkMy favorite place to scout and purchase high-quality secondhand clothing and makeup is Poshmark(available as a phone app and online). I buy, sell, and trade many items through this market and have had amazing experiences. 2. VestiaireMuch like Poshmark but devoted entirely to luxury, Vestiaire has a wide selection of beautiful items to buy secondhand. It also has the added bonus of verifying the authenticity of the items.3. eBayPretty much eBay is the father of all of these marketplaces, and always one of my favorites. It's harder to scout deals on it, however, because many things are sold on a bidding basis. | 4. CraigslistI always scope out Craigslist first for any furniture purchases. I have had a lot of luck scoring great furniture sets with a lot of life left in them.5. Thrift Stores
The best thrift stores are the ones in the "nice" parts of town. I always enjoy driving to a thrift store in a rich city, because the kinds of things you find there (and at the prices they are sold) are unbeatable.
By Leslie Crystal
Photography | Self
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"Die before you die. Don't wait for death to come and discover that you have never lived."
― Rumi
Ella era. She was. I was―
I was once young, I can now say. And while I miss the leisure and reckless passion of my youth, I do not yet miss my youth. (I mean, I miss my metabolism but not my youngin' mindset, y'know what I am saying?)
Turning thirty was a hallmark age and very hard for me emotionally. I was scared of aging. But as I continue to age, I feel both humility and excitement welcoming my middle ages and diving into the unknown future. Here are my top five reflections and resolutions on aging gracefully. . . .
"Ella era hermosa, pero no como esas chicas de las revistas. Era hermosa, por la forma en la que pensaba. Era hermosa, por el brillo de sus ojos cuando hablaba de algo que amaba. Era hermosa, por su habilidad de hacer sonreír a otras personas incluso cuando estaba triste. No, no era hermosa por algo tan temporal como su aspecto físico. Ella era hermosa, profundamente en su alma. Ella es hermosa."
― F. SCOTT FITZGERALD ―
"She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul. She is beautiful."
| 1. BE A BEAUTIFUL SOUL
I am a creature persistently too consumed with shallow insecurities about my looks and I hope to increasingly leave that behind in my youth. As I heal from this, I realize I was much too ignorant to know what true beauty is until my conscious self-annihilation. In a world where we reduce beauty to the superficial, I dare to be brave and to develop my inner beauty instead.
I grew up feeling ugly and I wasted my youth thinking ugly. In my middle-age, it finally hit me that the things I hated most about myself physically are the things that make me truly me. The big nose that I hated all my life and vowed to change cosmetically, I now am glad I kept as I am an heiress to this nose. Every time I look at my father and my grandfather, I am filled with love for this feature. And my crème fraîche skin which was much too pale to be considered tan and much too pinkish-gold to be considered snow-white, is now nothing more than a reminder of the varied ancestors that I carry in every cell.
More importantly, I now dare to bare my soul and seek to create beauty with my actions and my words. I want to keep a smile on my face that welcomes others. I want my passion for art and old world intricacies to light people's curiosity. I don't want anyone to ever wonder if I like them; I want them to know that I do. And, overall, I want to make people feel accepted, loved, admired, and valued in my presence.
By Leslie Crystal Photography | Self Featured | Chicwish, Roni Kantor, and INC International Concepts |  |
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“Social media is just the market’s answer to a generation that demanded them to perform, so the market said 'Here, perform everything, to each other, all the time for no other reason.' It’s prison, it’s horrific. It’s performer and audience melded together. What do we want more than to lay in bed at the end of the day and just watch our lives as a satisfied audience member? I know very little about anything, but I do know this: that if you can live your life without an audience, you should do it.”
― BO BURNHAM2. LIVE WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE
I was too consumed with social media. I was living my life for daily transmission and it was exhausting. Yet disconnecting from social media was always difficult because it was not only a nearly full-time job for me, but also a source of socialization and expression for me. The immediate affirmation via 'likes' and comments was a token of affection that I grew addicted to. In part, this was because I felt a need for affection and affirmation from my peers. But also, this was because I simply had a hard time communicating in real life and social media gave me a substitute platform to share myself at an intimate level... without the fear of facing people in person. (I'm prone to tear up when talking to people, and my voice trembles when I speak up for myself).
At some point last year, however, I just simply stopped feeling a need for online affirmation. I still felt like expressing myself and taking a ridiculous amount of photographs, but I started craving privacy. Freedom. I can't explain really why; it was just a gift from aging. I just stopped caring if other people liked who I was or what I did, because I realized that I really liked who I was and what I did. I grew an appreciation for myself that was no longer dependent on social media.
Moreover, I learned that my love of expressing myself through words and visuals was better channeled through more static mediums like photography and blogging. Now, I want to use any sharing I do online to transmit real information and insight, rather than just live my life day-to-day on it. This is pretty much how and why this blog was born.
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“Kindness and compassion towards all living things is a mark of a civilized society.”
― César Chávez
3. LIVE COMPASSIONATELY
I was very wasteful growing up. I didn't grow up thinking about the environment or animals or any of the bigger picture. Over the last year or so was really the first time in my life that I had the privilege, insight, and maturity to think about the planet and its creatures in a more compassionate way.
First, I fell in love with my cats. To know them is to love them, and to seek to advocate for animals. While I am not vegan (I fall far short of this moral ideal for environmental ideals I value equally as deep), I have taken into ideal regard to reduce our animal consumption, both in food and other products. I seek to live a more compassionate and earth-friendly life, finding a balance between my ideals and my lifestyle. For me, this has meant taking into account that any make-up, clothing, or products I use are either second-hand items, cruelty-free, and rejecting fast fashion. While not perfect, I am trying to take steps towards a more compassionate life. Above all, I seek to continue taking baby steps in the direction of kindness for all earthlings.
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"After all these years, I am still involved in the process of self-discovery. It's better to explore life and make mistakes than to play it safe. Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life. "
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“Walking, I can almost hear the redwoods beating. And the oceans are above me here, rolling clouds, heavy and dark. It is winter and there is smoke from the fires. It is a world of elemental attention, of all things working together, listening to what speaks in the blood. Whichever road I follow, I walk in the land of many gods, and they love and eat one another. Suddenly all my ancestors are behind me. Be still, they say. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands.”
― LINDA HOGAN5. VALUE MY HERITAGE
I was disconnected from my culture and heritage. As a racially ambiguous/white-passing Mexican American, I vacillated between wanting to be "super Mexican" in my disproportionately Mexican elementary school and wanting to "pass for white" in my predominantly Anglo middle school and high school. Really, I just craved to belong. But I never really felt like I belonged or knew much about who I was to celebrate it.
In the last years, I took an interest in learning more about my ancestry in an effort to learn more about myself. And I learned so much about my ancestors. Ever since learning about my ancestry and embarking on my investigation into the past, I have found a profound love and acceptance of myself and interest in culture. In my future, I want to build deep roots with my culture and family. In some distant time, I can imagine myself living between two (or more) countries and just being more connected to the earth. Also, I want to develop an eye for ethnic clothing and arts: something I have always admired and never known much about. My personal style is developing in that direction. |
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