ELLA ERA

Ella era. She was. I was―    I was once young, I can now say.  And while I miss the leisure and reckless passion of my youth, I do not yet miss my youth.  (I mean, I miss my metabolism but not my youngin' mindset, y'know what I am saying?)    Turning thirty was a hallmark age and very hard for me emotionally. I was scared of aging.  But as I continue to age, I feel both humility and excitement welcoming my middle ages and diving into the unknown future.    Here are my top five reflections and resolutions on aging gracefully. . . . "Ella era hermosa, pero no como esas chicas de las revistas. Era hermosa, por la forma en la que pensaba. Era hermosa, por el brillo de sus ojos cuando hablaba de algo que amaba. Era hermosa, por su habilidad de hacer sonreír a otras personas incluso cuando estaba triste. No, no era hermosa por algo tan temporal como su aspecto físico. Ella era hermosa, profundamente en su alma. Ella es hermosa." ― F. SCOTT FITZGERALD ― "She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul. She is beautiful."

1. BE A BEAUTIFUL SOUL    I am a creature persistently too consumed with shallow insecurities about my looks and I hope to increasingly leave that behind in my youth. As I heal from this, I realize I was much too ignorant to know what true beauty is until my conscious self-annihilation. In a world where we reduce beauty to the superficial, I dare to be brave and to develop my inner beauty instead.    I grew up feeling ugly and I wasted my youth thinking ugly. In my middle-age, it finally hit me that the things I hated most about myself physically are the things that make me truly me. The big nose that I hated all my life and vowed to change cosmetically, I now am glad I kept as I am an heiress to this nose. Every time I look at my father and my grandfather, I am filled with love for this feature. And my crème fraîche skin which was much too pale to be considered tan and much too pinkish-gold to be considered snow-white, is now nothing more than a reminder of the varied ancestors that I carry in every cell.     More importantly, I now dare to bare my soul and seek to create beauty with my actions and my words. I want to keep a smile on my face that welcomes others. I want my passion for art and old world intricacies to light people's curiosity. I don't want anyone to ever wonder if I like them; I want them to know that I do.  And, overall, I want to make people feel accepted, loved, admired, and valued in my presence.    By Leslie Crystal Photography | Self  Featured | Chicwish, Roni Kantor, and INC International Concepts

. . . “Social media is just the market’s answer to a generation that demanded them to perform, so the market said 'Here, perform everything, to each other, all the time for no other reason.' It’s prison, it’s horrific. It’s performer and audience melded together. What do we want more than to lay in bed at the end of the day and just watch our lives as a satisfied audience member? I know very little about anything, but I do know this: that if you can live your life without an audience, you should do it.”  ― BO BURNHAM 2. LIVE WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE    I was too consumed with social media. I was living my life for daily transmission and it was exhausting. Yet disconnecting from social media was always difficult because it was not only a nearly full-time job for me, but also a source of socialization and expression for me. The immediate affirmation via 'likes' and comments was a token of affection that I grew addicted to. In part, this was because I felt a need for affection and affirmation from my peers. But also, this was because I simply had a hard time communicating in real life and social media gave me a substitute platform to share myself at an intimate level... without the fear of facing people in person. (I'm prone to tear up when talking to people, and my voice trembles when I speak up for myself).    At some point last year, however, I just simply stopped feeling a need for online affirmation. I still felt like expressing myself and taking a ridiculous amount of photographs, but I started craving privacy. Freedom. I can't explain really why; it was just a gift from aging. I just stopped caring if other people liked who I was or what I did, because I realized that I really liked who I was and what I did. I grew an appreciation for myself that was no longer dependent on social media.     Moreover, I learned that my love of expressing myself through words and visuals was better channeled through more static mediums like photography and blogging. Now, I want to use any sharing I do online to transmit real information and insight, rather than just live my life day-to-day on it. This is pretty much how and why this blog was born.

. . . “Kindness and compassion towards all living things is a mark of a civilized society.”  ― César Chávez  3. LIVE COMPASSIONATELY    I was very wasteful growing up. I didn't grow up thinking about the environment or animals or any of the bigger picture. Over the last year or so was really the first time in my life that I had the privilege, insight, and maturity to think about the planet and its creatures in a more compassionate way.     First, I fell in love with my cats.  To know them is to love them, and to seek to advocate for animals. While I am not vegan (I fall far short of this moral ideal for environmental ideals I value equally as deep), I have taken into ideal regard to reduce our animal consumption, both in food and other products.  I seek to live a more compassionate and earth-friendly life, finding a balance between my ideals and my lifestyle. For me, this has meant taking into account that any make-up, clothing, or products I use are either second-hand items, cruelty-free, and rejecting fast fashion. While not perfect, I am trying to take steps towards a more compassionate life. Above all, I seek to continue taking baby steps in the direction of kindness for all earthlings.

. . . "After all these years, I am still involved in the process of self-discovery. It's better to explore life and make mistakes than to play it safe. Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life. " ― SOPHIA LOREN 4. DARE TO BE FLAWED    I was always crippled by my perfectionism. I couldn't start or finish a project unless it was "perfect": perfectly executed, perfect timing, perfect you-name-it. It made me a slave to my dreams, instead of an entrepreneur of my interests. In doing so, I stopped enjoying many things and others I gave up altogether. I had this foolish belief that if things were marred by mistakes or imperfection that they were no longer worth keeping.   And then, last year, I was making mistake after crushing mistake trying to make my life "perfect." I ruined more things than I fixed, that is for sure. But I got something out of it: The crushing realization that you can own up to your mistakes and you can work on the things that aren't perfect, not just abandon them altogether.     I have learned that my humility is a far better trait than anything else I could possibly be "proud" of. I've learned that self-awareness makes all the difference. And I know that I am a deeply flawed person and so far from perfect. And I may never be perfect at anything, but I still dare to exist. I am still here for a reason.     In this new era of my life, I would really like to allow myself to embrace my obsessions without the crutch of dreaming that it should be the one thing that defines me or saves me. I vow to blog, to photograph, to learn ballet, to immerse myself in old-world knowledge, and to create beautiful creations... all for nothing else but my enjoyment. Without the crushing weight of expectations that follow dreams.

<3

. . . “Walking, I can almost hear the redwoods beating. And the oceans are above me here, rolling clouds, heavy and dark. It is winter and there is smoke from the fires. It is a world of elemental attention, of all things working together, listening to what speaks in the blood. Whichever road I follow, I walk in the land of many gods, and they love and eat one another. Suddenly all my ancestors are behind me. Be still, they say. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands.”  ― LINDA HOGAN 5. VALUE MY HERITAGE    I was disconnected from my culture and heritage. As a racially ambiguous/white-passing Mexican American, I vacillated between wanting to be "super Mexican" in my disproportionately Mexican elementary school and wanting to "pass for white" in my predominantly Anglo middle school and high school.  Really, I just craved to belong. But I never really felt like I belonged or knew much about who I was to celebrate it.    In the last years, I took an interest in learning more about my ancestry in an effort to learn more about myself. And I learned so much about my ancestors.  Ever since learning about my ancestry and embarking on my investigation into the past, I have found a profound love and acceptance of myself and interest in culture.    In my future, I want to build deep roots with my culture and family. In some distant time, I can imagine myself living between two (or more) countries and just being more connected to the earth. Also, I want to develop an eye for ethnic clothing and arts: something I have always admired and never known much about. My personal style is developing in that direction.

SHOP ______________________________________    * Dress: Embellished Dolly Dress by Chicwish - 100% Polyester Heels: Gold Pumps by Roni Kantor - Vegan Leather Clutch: Juliet Minaudière by INC International Concepts - All Man Made Materials* * Shop similar clutch. Clutch Pictured in post is no longer available.

SIZE & FIT ______________________________________ Alteration: Hem taken up 2.5 Inches on both layers.  Additional ruffle skirt added.